I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
