I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
