My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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