Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
