just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
