ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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