Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
