Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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