Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
