He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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