Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
