i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Farmville is her only friend.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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