Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
