Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
