Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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