I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
