My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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