so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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