When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
