i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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