So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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