my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize