You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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