I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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