My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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