Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
