thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
