you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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