I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
