Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
