I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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