he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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