Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
