sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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