I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you made out with another girl for some wings
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
where are my eyebrows?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
