Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
