I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
