well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So apparently I’m into choking now
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