im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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