and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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