I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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