I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
