a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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