"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
