I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
