OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's never too late to be topless.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
