I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize