I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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