he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So here I am, sexting at work.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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