Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
