Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
