Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
