hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
