Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
