Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
