Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
