i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
