I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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