I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
