My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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