I wish I could punch you in the face.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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