I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
