there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
