airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
