There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
