the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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